Unconscious Communication & Tools for Resolution

Unconscious communication is an intuitive type of communication, it includes verbal and non verbal cues. In the realm of verbal communication it is tone of voice, speech patterns and speed of your voice. In terms of non verbal communication it is body language, facial expressions and tension in your body. This can show up in relationship to another person or in relationship to yourself, either way this is the subtle, intuitive way you communicate your physiology which is linked to your emotional charges. 

The gift inside of building awareness around this type of communication is that you will be able to understand your emotional charges. Emotional charges in the body are often protected by a shadow type of behavior. The point of the shadow is to protect you and keep you guarded. It was built because there was either a behavior or emotion which was threatened when you were young. In order to develop your sense of self you needed to protect certain aspects of yourself from the responses you had in your environment. The challenge is that later in life they become counterproductive, surfacing mental health challenges and oftentimes isolating the individual from what they truly desire. 

Once you notice an unconscious communication pattern in your dynamic with a partner or with yourself you can begin to become curious about what the emotional charge is underneath the pattern. It will often have a sea of information attached to it, and all it requires is curiosity to begin to unfold it. 

In a dynamic with yourself you may notice your thoughts in response to a project you are working on, you may notice that the way you interact with yourself is charged with frustration, your body is tense, your thoughts have a tone of irritation. You are active in an emotional charge with yourself and reinforcing an old pattern of belief into your mind. Take a minute, notice, then get curious, imagine there are at least two aspects of yourself. Notice how the part of you who is holding the charge is impacting the part of you who is receiving the charge. Then find the vulnerable experience and start to create a new dialogue on how you can work with yourself in this area. I see this most commonly in areas where clients have deemed an emotion they are having as wrong, they can turn against themselves, and experience a lot of self rejection. This is often mirrored from a time in their life when the emotion was rejected and can still be mirrored in their current dynamics. The process of them becoming curious and connecting to themselves, while building a framework for self approval and acceptance will start to then be mirrored to them in the world. The more we accept something in ourselves the more we can teach others how to, but first the emotional charge needs to be resolved.

When unconscious communication dynamics begin to activate inside of a relational space it can be a little bit more tricky to work with because both parties have to be willing to self-reflect as well as hold curiosity toward the self and one another. Though it is always possible to build awareness inside of yourself and if you change how you show up for the dynamic, the dynamic will have to change in response to you.

Once an emotional charge is active inside of a conversation it can become difficult for either party to be seen. The emotional charge carries a physiological state which holds memories from people in the past, this skews your ability to see clearly as all the previous beliefs are also forward. 

For example, say you are a woman who had multiple domineering male figures in your life and now you are in a work environment with a male who is emotionally closed down. When he speaks to you, you experience him speaking down to you, this is likely because of the distance he experiences to his own emotional state. Now whether or not he is in fact talking down to you, you are only responsible for you and must first recognize if you hold emotional charge in this dynamic. Upon self reflection you realize you have a sensitivity to men who hold a tough exterior, which likely influences the way you approach him. Maybe you are argumentative because you never got to be and now you feel empowered, or maybe you communicate with him from a weaker position because a part of you believes you were less than. It is likely that either of these states in you also influence him and regardless of what the charge is, you influence half the dynamic. Now the other half is him and not your responsibility, but can be helpful to understand, to help break down the projection. Let us speculate that he may have learned to be domineering in order to get his needs met, he may have a complex relationship with either his mother or partner. He may have a strong shut down reaction to his emotional states, so when you are emotionally charged he tries to shut down yours too. Whatever it is, it is likely not the exact same story, belief or narrative that you have in your head. When the true emotional undercurrent is revealed it allows you to understand the person you are in the dynamic with as well as yourself and it can build empathy. I find that people give away their power by placing other people in positions of power inside of these dynamics. This causes them to relive a traumatic experience instead of questioning all the dynamics at play. Even if the dynamic does not allow curiosity from both parties, the change in one is enough to create a shift in the dynamic. It is important though to let go of the beliefs and narratives that are blocking your ability to be curious about the other person.

When emotional charges are forward in dynamics this can also alter your ability to connect to their intuition, because of trauma’s ability to cause pain or psychological defenses to activate, this adds a layer to the lens. This can complicate intuitive readings or your sense of someone. Fortunately, through becoming aware of the impacts our environment had on developing conditionings to the unconscious and nervous system physiology, it is possible to re-code these pathways. This is done by developing a body based awareness. 

Tools for tracing unconscious responses

The first tool for being able to trace an unconscious activation is to be able to know how you feel when your body is regulated. When you experience regulation in your system you will be able to notice when this shifts. A regulated nervous system can come on the other side of a deep embodiment practice, exercise, rest, meditation, a bath or nice shower, a restful trip etc. It is important to learn what regulates your nervous system and have those practices built into your calendar. Many people live with an active nervous system and therefore have to first learn to walk the pathway to regulation. There are many factors involved in what allows your nervous system to be regulated and I have discovered that it is actually very unique to each person. Some people have minimal stress in their lives but experience regular dysregulation from past pains, sometimes the minimal stress allows the environment for old pains to surface as you are less busy and pulled into multiple dynamics. Others have a lot of stress, with less time to process their emotional world, and either handle it well, thrive in it or decompress well. Learn for yourself what this feels like and understand your unique baseline and nervous system signature. From here you can begin to notice what tasks, behaviors, habits, move you off your baseline.

Create a conscious track of awareness around what activates or deactivates your body. Example: when I am rushing the kids out the door in the morning I notice a lot of tension in my stomach. When I meet with this particular person I notice a lot of tension in my jaw. When I am writing or posting for my business, my heart rate increases. When I witness conflict my stomach feels unsettled. The body cues will be able to tell you more information about what is stored in that region of your body. From here, the next step is to notice any narratives you have cycling in your mind, this part can be tricky because they may be conscious thoughts or more unconscious thoughts. If they are conscious thoughts you can develop a dialogue with this part of you. If you hold the dialogue with curiosity then a lot can be revealed, you can learn about ways you perpetuate old narratives. If they are more unconscious then you may need use more active imagination exercises, intuition or examine the body symptom from the realm of symbolism. With tension in the jaw you can ask, what am I holding back? The stomach is a digestive organ, so you can examine what feels difficult to digest. You can also associate certain regions of the body with the chakras. The stomach would be the seat of your power, chest the center of what you can share with others. Either way, as you examine the unconscious dynamics alive in you, look for your experience of resonance. 

Allow what resonates to sink in deeper, what strikes a chord to be your teacher and what feels untrue to fall away.  

From here, the final and most important step is to discover the unmet need, unrealized pain or old trauma which caused this part of you to be moved into the unconscious to begin with. In order to discover the unmet need you need to really listen to yourself and hold curiosity, not judgment. It takes a lot of bravery to be willing to look at a behavior which is shadowy and move toward it with curiosity. It takes courage to change the ways we perpetuate detrimental cycles in our lives.